Sex and sexuality is such a huge part of the human experience, and it is so often ignored when we talk about spiritual healing and awakening. Recently, I learned that sexuality and spirituality go hand in hand.
Initially I wanted to heal my spirit and my soul. My trauma, my wounds and my pain. Little did I know that the healing I was doing would intersect with my sex life and sexuality. That it would lead me to finding myself, loving myself completely, rediscovering my sexuality and who I am as a woman. That it would give me confidence in myself, my body and redefining what sex means to me and how I want it to be a part of my life.
It started last summer when I became specifically curious about sex therapy. I had read a few books on sex as there were already issues in my sexual relationship with my spouse for years that we didn’t know how to repair. But I was determined to take charge of any healing that I could be responsible for. To own my stuff. To understand myself. I began working with a holistic sex therapist and I was completely floored at what I didn’t know and understand previously. How little I knew about what sex meant for me. The assumptions, the rules, the “should’s and suppose to’s,” the wrong information, the misunderstandings, the negative stories. I brought it all with me into that first hour and a half therapy session. My therapist assured me that I wasn’t the only one and that a woman’s sexuality and sex life are so often disregarded and not talked about. That there is so much shame when discussing our sex lives, for both men and women. That so much of what we feel and experience is actually very normal. Sex talk is a taboo subject in our culture and is really uncomfortable to talk about. This therapist wanted to change that. She was just starting her practice and offered to take me on as a client for three months. I was in, and I ended up working with her for 4 months.
To give a little background, I gave everything I had to my family, specifically to my kids. I focused so intensely on being a good mom that I ignored whole pieces of myself and my relationship. I lost myself and felt very, very disconnected from myself. Who was I? What did I want? I certainly did not see myself as the sexy woman my husband saw and loved. I didn’t know what my sexual needs and desires were. No clue. There was massive shame and guilt around my sex life and I didn’t know why things had changed for me and how to get them back on track. I felt as though I didn’t have the luxury of going through my own needs, wants and desires and exploring what those all meant for me. I knew that I was not making myself a priority but didn’t know how to stop that train once I was on it. The disconnect from self was overwhelming and visceral. I was a busy mom, had a full life and sex wasn’t at the top of my priority list even though I wanted it to be. I ached for it to be and I desired for it to be, but I felt so stuck. I felt broken. I felt like a huge failure. Not just in my sex life, but in my life as a whole. It paralyzed me.
So as I took the path to healing my soul and began to dig into me, I became more and more aware of how this new path would heal my sex life. I began reading books, listening to podcasts and joined a group of women (and a few men) who were in the same boat as me. I learned that I was normal. I learned that I didn’t have to go get shots into my lady parts to revamp my sex life (I didn’t thank goodness). I learned that sex changes so much in long term relationships. I learned that it takes committed work to keep it alive. And I learned that it is completely possible to regain a sexual relationship that is healthy, fulfilling and delicious. I met a couple who were in the exact same situation I was in who completely changed their sex life together after working with my sex therapist. This gave me so much hope. I learned that my sexual energy is one of the most powerful energies that I have available to me. That I can care for it, tend to it and watch it bloom into something beautiful and magical that I can give that to myself and my partner. I have that power. I had stuffed my sexual energy down for so long because I didn’t believe in me. I didn’t love myself. I did not know myself. I didn’t believe that I was worthy. And I believed that this was how things were going to be. I believed that I was broken. I held on to so much anxiety and fear of intimacy for years. And all of that negativity became toxic to my spirit and self worth. So many feelings of not being good enough, of being abandoned, of something being wrong with me completely demolished my spirit.
How do you connect with someone when you’re not even connected to yourself? How do you let yourself be intimate with someone when you can’t be intimate with yourself? It was so hard to change this mindset but I wanted to so badly. I dove in. My therapist helped me believe that I am worthy and deserving to be reconnected to. She showed me that it is safe to express myself sexually. To feel my emotions. Having my body hold onto anxiety, anger and fear for so long was not allowing me to be present, not allowing me to let my guard down. To be truly happy. To enjoy sex. To weave it into my life and story.
Once I began to unlearn old programming and conditionings, I started to tap into a part of myself that I let go dormant for so long. As I started to meet myself for the first time, I noticed that I started being aware of my body and spirit for the very first time. It began to be a deliberate and enjoyable practice for me as I took a shower in a delicious smelling body wash, or laid naked in bed on super soft sheets, or put lotion on my body. I began to pay attention to my feelings in more intimate ways such as noticing when I was turned on. I could feel myself opening up to sensations that I had previously denied. My sexual values were becoming super clear to me. My ownership of being a sexual woman was taking root and unfolding.
Sexual healing took time, but it was so worth it. I am worth it. I reclaim enjoying sex. I reclaim my physical body. I reclaim my desires. I reclaim myself. To be on the other side feels joyful and really magical. I honestly feel like a new woman. I did, and continue to do, the work to reclaim myself on ALL levels, not just from my past, but my sexuality and how it will look for me going forward. It’s been life changing. Heart changing.
I realize that my sexual self is a part of my bigger self and that it is so intoxicating. I am absolutely in love with this version of myself. I now understand that my sexuality is rooted in how I see, understand and value myself. I take the opportunity to discover what I like and what I enjoy. I had to work through a ton of shame and guilt and completely let go of the narratives that I told myself for so long and believed. I had to let go of the stories from others I held onto as my own. I had to dismantle belief systems, toxicity and patterns around my sex life and sexuality. I learned that sex is way more than just a physical act. It is so complex and full of nuances, influences and emotions. It is a deep intimacy that I was so terrified of allowing myself to experience. I wasn’t aware of this for years. My therapist helped me open up to what was actually happening for me, to face it head on and to heal it. I am so thankful for her, her guidance, gentleness, and her proving to me that these issues are fixable. That I am not broken. That I was lost for a bit. That I have been found.
Today, my whole view on sex has changed. I love sex. I love solo sex and partnered sex. I love the intimacy of it. I love the anticipation of it. I love knowing what makes me feel good. I love my pleasure. It feels amazing to be in this place. Sex can be very pleasurable, really fun and is a form of deep connection and I have a deeper understanding and appreciation for it. It feels so good to reconnect to such an intimate part of myself and know that I am worthy of a delicious, beautiful, fulfilling sex life. I feel confident and empowered to have it a part of me and my story. Finally.
